Monday, June 14

Emotional Moment

So as anyone who has read this blog knows it is Wedding Week for us. I am so excited!!!

Yesterday came a moment that I didn't totally expect, I guess over the past 16 years I had thought that I would be emotional about this aspect of my wedding but since we have been engaged I hadn't felt lacking in this area so it hadn't happened yet. Well yesterday it happened...

Let me start with this scene from the movie stepmom... it has always made me cry, now to be fair I am a crier anyway but this scene has special meaning as I have known for the past 16 years that my mom will not be there on my wedding day. As she has not been there for many other special days.

So here's what happened, yesterday I was sharing with Chris more about a conversation that I had with my dad last week. I had been trying to contact him since our engagement and was finally able to get a hold of him the day after his birthday. I didn't think he would be able to be here but I did want him to know that I am getting married. I do love my Dad and hope good things for him even though he has not been a part of my life through my adult years(but that is all quite another story for another day).

When I was talking to my dad and sharing that we were engaged on the 18th and getting married on the 18th he shared with me about when he and Mom got engaged that she wanted to get married on a 29th, the month didn't matter it just had to be a 29th and so they looked at the calendar and the 1st 29th was September. So that is the date they set. The 29th was a special date in my mom's family b/c it was my Grandparents anniversary and my Grandma's birthday are both on the 29th but I had never put the significance together.

As I was sharing this I started telling Chris that there are things that I wish I had known at 13-14 to ask my Mom. Things that she would have told me I am sure but neither of us knew there wouldn't be time to ask later. Things like what her pregnancies were like, and specifics about her wedding. Just those things a Mom can share. When I shared this I started crying, I wasn't expecting it but it came. Please don't hear what I am not saying, I am SO thankful for the amazing women that God has given me in my life who do share these things with me, but there is a part of me that still does miss hearing those things from her.

She loved us so much and wanted so many things for her kids. I was talking to someone a few days ago about losing my mom at a young age, they said to me there is no reason a child should lose their mom. I don't feel that way. God knows the plans He has for us. And His plans are GOOD. He has had an amazing plan for me, and I am so thankful for the person he has created me to be. I am the person I am not inspite of losing my mom but because of it. I believe that walking this beautiful road has made me more compassionate and loving towards others even when they may not always want it. I know how precious life is and I am so grateful for the life God has given me even the tough stuff. All the love that my Mom gave us is stored up and it is as much a part of me as everything else.

I think the crying suprised me because my life with her was so far removed from my life today. Although it is part of who I am missing her is not something I think about everyday.

Well I thought it was fitting to share a picture of my parents on their special day all those years ago...

you can also read more about her Here and Here.

Just as a side note I am SO SO SO Excited about the new "Mom" I am being blessed with. Chris' family is awesome and I am so thankful that God is giving them to me.

I wanted to remember this experience so I figured putting it here preserves the memory for me.


Wendi Kitsteiner said...

What a beautiful post Kendra. The Lord gives us what we need but that doesn't mean we can't grieve what we have lost.

What I have no doubt about is how proud your Mom would be of you.

And you didn't say whether your dad will be able to make it!?

Kendra said...

Thank you for you kind words Wendi :)

My Dad will not be able to come, but did say he would like to come visit sometime next year so I am hopeful for that. I haven't seen him since right after I graduated high school.

Blessed Blackman Bunch said...

I love you. I should be "checking on you" more. SORRY! Walking through my own emotions in MANY areas right now. Please call on me if/when needed. I agree w/Wendi, your mom would be so proud and BLESSED if she were here. I look forward to seeing YOU be a mother. What I have seen w/you and my children (and others) is only a taste of the MOM God will make you. YOU will be awesome.
Like the clip said, SHE has your past allow others to have your future (you do a pretty good job of this but remember to allow others to celebrate all the "little" moments on your special day that your mom would have been part of. Fitting the veil, etc.! :) So joyful that God has given you Chris.
I love you! :)